Don't let death get in the way of your fast-paced lifestyle.

I have a novel idea: cellular phone coffins.  This way, you can "text" from the grave.

Doesn't a person who dips his or her "buffalo wings" in "ranch" dressing instead of "blue cheese" realize he or she hasn't lived a complete life?

My mom never learned the "Pimple Rippening Process".

Noone hates winter more than me.

Why does "Applebee's" taste so much better last night than it ever did before?

If you ski or snowboard, I suggest (although it looks stupid) you wear a helmet, because each level of snowboarder falls, and you could hit your head on a rock, and you could be disabled, or even worse. I have a good reason to sound like an alarmist.

I can't stand it when somebody talks shit to me about ruling at the card game "Uno". I then proceed to mentally demolish that person in "Uno".

If I had a cat body, I would relax as hard as shit. (Which begs the question: How hard is shit? I've never felt shit, so don't have the credentials to answer that question, but judging by the sound feces makes when it hits toilet water, I don't think fecal matter is too hard, unless you produce really hard substance.)

I can't think of any categorization for a "Mac" other than a personal computer.

I can't express how much I love this music video:

click here

For anyone who has watched "Twin Peaks", a television show Ray Wise starred in (the guy who sings the song), this song reminds me of the song the blonde lady sings at "One-eyed Jacks".

I know most people don't analyze the minutia of everyday life, but watch "Waking Life" for a good introduction to philosophy, and critical (pointless) thought.

Heterosexual Capitalist

I take advantage of most opportunities to flatter a pretty lady.

Should a 29 year old man love his kitten as much as I do?

I Saw Mommy Being a Slut Last Night

I've always thought the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" meant the child actually saw his mom kissing his dad who dressed in a Santa Claus outfit.  That makes me think this kid must have terrible perception to not realize mommy, actually, kissed dad.

When I start feeling bad for myself, I just think about how sad Hannah Davis must feel after she didn't win "Rookie of the Year" for the "Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition" (she totally should have won that).

I love Spring, but I hate pollen.

A Fatal Attraction

I become very angry when somebody realizes the obsession my kitten has with a laser pointer, and then proceeds to tease her with it.  I think this supports a common obsession humans have with causing animals to do pointless things.  Why do we taunt cats with dangly things?  Why do we cause dogs to fetch, roll over, and sit up?  I guess animals just have too small of a brain to realize the stupidity of such pointless behavior.

I wish Web Sudoku would advertise a different vendor. Right now, Web Sudoku advertises a plus, plus size clothing store, so every time I win I must look at a grossly overweight woman.

On the ride to and from therapy, why does my aid expose my fragile mind to the egregious stylings of Christian Rock?

No emotion can match the hatred I feel deep within my loins when Web Sudoku tells me "Something is not right in # of the cells".

In case anyone cares, today marks 2 years since my accident

The enormity of Kate Upton's breasts captivate me.

It's 11:15. Make a wish.

I disagree with organized religion.

I despise it that I answer affirmatively when a person asks me, "Are you spiritual?", and the person translates this into I agree with a religion.  I consider myself deeply religious, but I disagree with all organized religions.  I formulate my own ideas as life gives me a multitude of ideas, and I have a brain that works constantly.

Does anything more offensive than bad breath exist?

My father must strengthen his sphincter.

Little Brain

I started to sympathesize with my kitten about her obsession with my laser pointer, and then I realized humans would surely give up hunting a foreign red dot after hours of no success in catching the dot.  Cats have such tiny brains.

People

I completely agree with a greeting card I received on my birthday.  The card says: "There are two types of people: Cat People, and Idiots."

Does a more despicable genre of music exist than christian rock?

Stevie Wonder

I've begun to understand a couple things people normally do.  Superstitious behavior, and the practice of wishing someone a "safe trip" now makes sense to me.  Superstition signifies the person performing the superstitious act has done everything necessary in life at that point, since a superstitious action usually represents something completely unnecessary (like wearing a certain type of sunglasses while playing cards).  Therefore, that person can feel comfortable, and ready to take on the challenge at hand.  I used to consider a person wishing someone a "safe trip" as completely pointless, because the person wishing the "safe trip" has no control over the safety of another person's trip.  This wishing raises awareness to the person traveling another person in the world cares about his or her safety, and, thus, makes the person traveling to have more caution in his or her travels.  Just because I know you have so much concern, my opinion on superstition, and the wishing of "safe trip" has altered.

Listen to this Steve Prefontaine's quote, "To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift."  A person, too often, says he or she can't do something.  This defeatist attitude pervades society.   This makes me think of a line from a movie: "What is the most common human trait: fear, or laziness?" Just think about all you can do if you work to your maximum potential.